Sometimes I cry

12/17/17 @12:46am

Tonight as I lie here in bed I’m wiping my tears and holding the rest back. Where today’s left over makeup has smeared and my snotty nose still runs , I’m trying to find some peace to all the thoughts in my head. 

Thoughts of why have I let myself down and why fail at weight loss. Why have I worried myself sick over the fact that my sister in law sucks at being an adult and a mother. Why can’t I be a great wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter, or even a good friend. 

I worry every day that I will fail someone somehow. And I Do. I failed myself and all the aforementioned rolls above. 

I feel so selfish yet so angry for not being who I need to be. I get up everyday and put my face on. Not just my makeup face but my “be your happy go lucky self” face on. Day in and day out that face stays on until I crack. Some days I crack before I even get out of bed. Sometimes I crack when I’m at work and sometimes I crack before I go to bed and every where in between. 

Above all else I try to always be the happy person but in the inside I’m totally shattered. I’m hurt. I’m burning. I’m needy. And I’m lazy. I feel inadequate in every aspect of my life. I let some many people down on a daily basis. 
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Many nights I get into my own head and I want to put my thoughts some place so that I can go back and read them. That's where this came from. Today I still feel the same way. I don't cry about it as much but I do think about it every.single.day.

I believe it will be a constant battle but right now it's a battle I am losing at. I've got to dig deep and figure out how to manage and get out of this mess I've made.

Why didn't they teach this in school?

Being grown up has it's perks but it has its bad qualities too. When you grow up your friends change many times times. Your circle of friends will get smaller and almost non-existent. 

I don't know about you but I wasn't taught that growing up. I was always raised to be nice and make friends. In elementary and middle school days that's all you worried about was making friends and having best friends.  In high school it's a popularity contest and lawd have mercy on me but I was a total bitch in high school.

 If you knew me and I hurt you I'm sorry. I'm totally not like that now. Anyway, as we get older and get married, have kids, and work real jobs how do we manage to keep friends along the way? We aren't really taught that. It's more of a life lesson to figure out on our own. On all actuality you have acquaintances- these are the folks you know, maybe from high school or maybe through another friend or something but you just aren't that close. Maybe you're friends on fakebook and you'll say hey in Wally World in passing. Then you've got your friends- the ones you make time for. You go to dinner with them, you hang out with occasionally, or even go to the movies with. 

Then there's frenemies. Yep, I said it. They're real. Don't even try to lie. You've got em. You just don't want to admit it. They may have been your friend once upon a time and now that bridge has been burned. You ain't building it back. Nope. No way, no how! They're evil! Fake as shit too! I'd rather have not one friend than to encounter in public a frenemy. Today, I encountered (in less than an hour mind you) 3 frenemies. 3! Three. THREE!! Y'all! I can't handle that much all at once! My anxiety deep down inside was drown and screaming for help! 

I suffered through it though. It was like ripping off a band-aid. It hurt like hell to be hugged by an imitation of what used to be my amigo. I grinned, I bared it, and yes it sucked. I'm an adult and that's how it goes. Why can't they teach this shit in school so when we grow up we expect these things to happen and know how to deal with it?

Anxiety, Depression, and Being Fat Oh My!

In this big bad world lives big bad wolves. Today's society puts a lot of pressure on each and every one of us. Since my brother died in a tragic car accident in 2008 I've battled depression and anxiety. In 2014, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I endured 6 months of strenuous chemotherapy that kicked my tail! Along came more anxiousness and more depressing thoughts. 

Since then I am on medication that helps live a little easier with these big bad wolves. 

I created this blog a while back to use as an outlet for me and my thoughts of weight loss. There is no weight lost here. NONE. I can try all the time but when the wolf growls at the door I'm curl up in the fetal position and cry or get angry and take my frustration out on innocent people like my husband. I always apologize but in my heart I feel that doesn't justify my actions. 

It's hard to try to set your mind to losing weight and doing right by getting healthy when you fight constant battles with the "wolves" everyday. It gets exhausting! I know everyone says it's Mind over Matter but when you are dealing with these wolves of anxiety and depression sometimes you can't explain what's wrong or why you feel a certain way you just have to try to work through it or cry it out (in most of my situations). 

Unless you go through the same things you'll never understand but know that you are very fortunate to not have either wolf growling at you because they both go hand in hand and they suck! Please think about those who do struggle with these issues and be sensitive to how they handle and process things. They may need a hug and be told everything will be okay. Or they might just want to be left alone to breathe. Either way remember to be considerate of those needs. 

I said all of that to say when you fight those wolves off it's hard to also fight off FAT! Being fat is one thing but being addicted to food is another.  I stress eat. It's horrible! I love food and the way it tastes. I don't care how good or bad it is for me. If I want it I'm going to eat it and you can't tell me I'm not. I'm a queen bee like that. So many times have I told myself I'm this week is the week! I'm gonna eat better and not eat what I want but what I need. Three days later I'm having a bad day and one stop at the convenience store for some chocolate and I'm good. No regrets until the scale breaks or I can't fit into any of my clothes. 

Something's got to give. Not only am I making my self suffer but it effects those around me I love. My weight holds them back as well.  Not being able to do things they like because I'm over weight. Cue the tears and bed time...

Another day Another Pound Ugh!

The saying goes "another day, another dollar"  what about another day  another pound"?  That's what I feel like lately. I'm at my heaviest weight that I have ever been in my entire life! It's really quite depressing!

I know that you are what you eat and damn., I eat everything! It's a real bad addiction. To overcome such  a huge obstacle I know that I'm going to need the drive and the  mindset but also I am going to need a support system.  I'm hoping that I can find motivation and the  right way of thinking to get food off the brain and health and fitness in its place.

This weekend was a huge struggle and a depressing realization that I not only need this for me but my family. We are adventurous and love to be outdoors. Being so overweight that you can't do things really is a hinderence.  Everything you do  as a fat person always come down to what you weigh. Going shopping if you're overweight you have to go to the fat girl stores. Why? Because normal stores don't carry your size. Oh you want to go zip line if? Well sorry, you've got to be under 250 lbs to participate.  Hey wanna go ride roller coasters? Shit, can't do that there's a weight limit for those too!

No one that has never been fat, obese, overweight, or whatever you want to call it  could ever relate to those issues.

WIDN

What I'm Doing Now

I know, I know...I've got some catching up to do here. Lumiday has been in my system for a full month and my husband is happier than ever! Not for that reason. It has worked so great. I'm not that ole betchy woman that complains and over reacts to stupid stuff. It may not work for you, but honey, it's working great for me!

Over the 4th of July Holiday we went to Surfside Beach and spent time with my parents and grandparents. It was a nice to relax on the beach and pretend to not have any care in the world other than when to turn over! 

My eating habits still totally suck. I eat whatever whenever and we all know that I am not working out. I'm still stuck in a rut. It's almost like I've dug a whole that I can't climb out of. I try but after just a teeny tiny bit of trying, I give up. That's always what happens. I just can't get my brain to click. Y'all say a prayer that I can get back into some sort of motivation to get this weight off.