Sometimes I cry

12/17/17 @12:46am

Tonight as I lie here in bed I’m wiping my tears and holding the rest back. Where today’s left over makeup has smeared and my snotty nose still runs , I’m trying to find some peace to all the thoughts in my head. 

Thoughts of why have I let myself down and why fail at weight loss. Why have I worried myself sick over the fact that my sister in law sucks at being an adult and a mother. Why can’t I be a great wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter, or even a good friend. 

I worry every day that I will fail someone somehow. And I Do. I failed myself and all the aforementioned rolls above. 

I feel so selfish yet so angry for not being who I need to be. I get up everyday and put my face on. Not just my makeup face but my “be your happy go lucky self” face on. Day in and day out that face stays on until I crack. Some days I crack before I even get out of bed. Sometimes I crack when I’m at work and sometimes I crack before I go to bed and every where in between. 

Above all else I try to always be the happy person but in the inside I’m totally shattered. I’m hurt. I’m burning. I’m needy. And I’m lazy. I feel inadequate in every aspect of my life. I let some many people down on a daily basis. 
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Many nights I get into my own head and I want to put my thoughts some place so that I can go back and read them. That's where this came from. Today I still feel the same way. I don't cry about it as much but I do think about it every.single.day.

I believe it will be a constant battle but right now it's a battle I am losing at. I've got to dig deep and figure out how to manage and get out of this mess I've made.